Chaos and Celebration!!!

So little time, so much to do. Isn't this every one's dilemma? I feel that way right now, so much to do, I don't even know where to start. Lots of boxes and tubs to unpack, dishes to do, laundry to find a place for, people to see, places to be. Oh well start somewhere, at least it is a beginning.

Actually, all the chaos is from a choice made to follow a plan laid out by another( and I don't mean Peter)! We are living in some very exciting times! We are amazed on a daily basis of God's goodness to us and His unbelievable trust of us. It is one thing to trust Him and quite another to realize that He actually trusts us. Hard to explain or imagine, but He does and I just hope we are able to live up to it. I guess that is where grace enters. 

We are also celebrating amidst all the other chaos. Peter has become an American, for more details on this, just ask. We knew that this was part of the plan. We have moved and boy do we have a few stories to tell. We have a new niece  and let's just say she sure is adorable. We get the ultimate privilege  of watching two of our dear friends children while they go adopt their awaited daughter. We are in harvest season, apples that is but hopefully it translates to a harvest of people walking deeper with God.  Our life is full and I wouldn't want it any other way. We are living abundantly and I don't mean financially either but wholly. We are trying every day to grab onto what is before us and do with it what we can. Makes me take really deep breathes every now and then. We also get to have two Thanksgivings this year- might have to muse about this next time. 

However the chaos enters, just embrace it, just never know where it will take you.

External vs. Internal

I find myself wondering about the external and the internal life. I often wonder does my external life, everything everyone sees and hears from me, match my internal life. I have realized that my internal life is a very private thing at times, something I can share many times with my friends, but not so much with others.  Does my internal beliefs and values match my outside? I wish I could say a resounding yes to this question. The only way I know to answer this question is to really pull apart what I believe and value. Sounds like fun don't you think? Could be if it wasn't such a scary, vulnerable thing to do. Really examine what I believe, sincerely and honestly look and think about what I value and then evaluate  do these things determine my outward activities.  Do my outward activities, what I do and don't do resemble my inside? This is the question that just keeps running around inside. 

 I have been reading many different books, articles, and magazines lately. Lots of things out there to determine my  life. Lots of issues, some political, some more spiritual than others , to look at. When you read these things, like modern day slavery and child trafficking, illegal immigrants, poverty, what do you do with these things? How do I read this stuff? 

These are the thoughts I have for now, my family is calling, but I want to continue on this train, even if I don't know where I will end up.

Glimpses of Glory

Well, that title has many different ideas behind it. It is actually a phrase I use in our family.

I use this phrase when i get a glimpse of someone or something doing or being who or what they were made for. It is usually when i see one of my kids being who they are made to be, I get a glimpse of who they might be when they grow up, or maybe when i grow up. I was sitting in a very cold arena watching Noah skate with all of his might, slide on his knees, receive the puck and score.  His comments after that score was " hey Dad I scored and I wasn't even standing up". So great, scoring, even better when we aren't standing up at full strength. That day I got a glimpse of glory, not  really because he scored but because he put his all in to it. He made his very best effort and the icing on the cake was that he scored. I love to watch my two hockey players skate and play for all that they are worth. The best efforts don't always end with wins but that doesn't really matter. In that moment they are doing what they are made to do in that moment. 

I have seen another glimpse lately in the face of my sweet girl. She has been taking ballet classes and they have had two shows so far with one more to go. She has practiced her steps and is doing her absolute best. You know what the glimpse is? It is the fact that she really doesn't know anyone in her classes or the rest of the studio but she has waited backstage with about 100 people and not flinched. She seems slightly timid when I leave her to go watch the show but she gets this look of determination that says it all. She is probably more stable about me going to watch than I am. I go check on her a few times, but every time she is fine and having fun. Oh did I mention how beautiful she looks and how grown up, with her hair in a bun and makeup on her face. A glimpse of our future, beautiful girl, determined to try. 

I had another glimpse of glory about a month ago. We were having a family meeting, called by our son Noah who decided it was a good time to have one since we were all sitting down together.  He called the meeting in only the way Noah in his mature voice can and started the discussion with " where are going to live next". This led to many opinions and thoughts and a few tears. We didn't and still don't have an answer to this question , but the glimpse came. Noah grown up, asking the questions we all want the answers for but are afraid to ask. And the glimpse came in the tears too. Our little lady opened up about how she feels different from other people. There are lots of factors that go into this situation for her, but the glimpse was that she felt different and we wanted her to know that was ok, not just ok but actually quite great. Different always gets the bum rap, not the glory. I have started to realize that different is much more interesting, fun, and full of adventure than normal. I think I'd rather take different.

Glimpses of glory lead me to God. A realization that this thing, life is bigger than I understand. Glimpses remind me that God has made me and everyone with love and a purposes. Glimpses shake off the dust and mire. I come face to face with the One who made it all. In the midst of the cold and crowded I feel Him smiling, almost laughing  and always cheering. Inside I feel alive, knowing that the day will go on...

Lest I forget our littlest one. There are always glimpses with him. He is so full of laughter and silliness. He asks to be tickled. He will start laughing before you even reach him. Really good laughter that makes even the grumpiest mom smile. And he has decided that we need two babies, Jack and Sissy. He looks at clothes for them and will pick out toys for them. I told him we better start asking Jesus for them, to find them. A glimpse of glory for sure. Making space for two that we have no idea about. We will pray and look and wait. Many times our kids know something we don't and we are ok with that. 

The last glimpse I want to share is the more traditional one. It is Christmas time and glory gets sung about a lot. I was at the kids school watching them practice their Christmas program. They ran through the whole program even the songs that the audience was going to sing along with. They sang " O come all ye faithful" and I lost it. I couldn't even sing the words. My eyes welled up and it took everything within me not to bust out in a wale. "Yeah Lord we greet You" was caught in my throat and eyes.  What a marvelous thought- Lord we greet You. Glimpses help me to say "Lord we greet You."  I hope some of my thoughts bring glimpses. Merry Christmas and my the greeting continue.

A free woman

I wrote this about a week ago and couldn't decide if I wanted to post it, but I have decided to go ahead and post. Here is an unedited version of some of my thoughts. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

A free woman or a woman who is free, that is the question. A friend emailed me a while ago, stating that there was a difference between a free woman  and a woman who is free. This friend said I was the former, which means I am a free woman. I have been trying to figure out all of what that means. I get the point, but I can't quite track with it either. Maybe if i ramble a bit i can get it.

A free woman means i can express my thoughts, fears, dreams, desires, hopes, wants, emotions. Free before the word woman implies that it is used as an adjective, describing a woman. The word free after the "who is" implies that it is something that she is and therefore can choose not to do. Ugh, choose not  to be free. Who would chose that? Well I guess we all do all the time unless we are really diligent about it. I choose it when I speak tersely, rudely. When I am selfish and uncaring; when i am impatient and want my own way.  Free after the "who is" implies it is an action, something to be done. Well what if today I can't make that choice or I just can't do it? Does that mean I am no longer free? Is that what God meant? That I have to make that choice and do something? I don't really think so. If  I had to make myself free I probable would not get very far. Let's see, to make myself free I have entered bad,  unhealthy relationships and I still pay the price for them, evern decades later. Doestn' sound very free to me.  To make my self free i do all sorts of things for people which in and of themselves is not bad, but do I subconciously do them to be loved and accepted? What does it mean to be free anyway? To some people to make their own decisions would be freedom, to buy whatever you wanted whenever you wanted would be freedom. Oh so many thoughts and not many of them going anywhere.

Love from far away.........

Love to all my peeps,

far and near, ever close and dear.

Although not breaking bread together face to face,

know there is always space.

Raise a glass, voice a toast for the ones I love the most.

Run, jump, give a shout, the ones I love are not without.

Turn the corners of your mouth up, part your lips for a cheer,

for you are my peeps far and near.

Prairies, peach butter....

Seasons...it's a good time of year to ponder this topic. September seems to be a funny time

of year to start a new season. In the world around me, leaves are turning colors, the harvest is almost over, and hopefully the weather will start to cool off. Doesn't really seem like the time to start something new, but none the less that is what we have done. Start something new. Peter is in school, three of the kids are in a Christian school, and Isaiah and I are on our own. Really different life for us compared to the last few years. Quite quiet actually.

This time in my life leaves me with lots of time to think, ponder, and reflect. I have tried to figure out the best way to describe the season that I personally am in. Sometimes I feel like what pioneers a long time ago must have felt when they saw the open prairies. Huge open land, nothing for miles except the opportunity to make something new. Whatever they could envision and then build was possible. That sort of explains some of how I feel. I look out and sense opportunities, I don't really "see" them, but I can faintly hear, smell, and touch them. Overwhelming and exhilarating all at the same time. What I can imagine is possible, what I can create with God is endless.... The pioneers had to have a plan, a building strategy, a way to make it happen. I guess sometimes that is also where I am at. I'm in the planning stages of something, what that something is I am not entirely sure of yet, but it will be something. Do you ever get the feeling that you are made for something, you just have to figure out what that something is? I do all the time right now. Huge open land, lots of potential, and probably a lot of hard work.

While sometimes I feel like a pioneer, there are lots of times right now when I also feel like a bottle of corked wine, aging to perfection, sitting on a back shelf waiting for the right time. I feel like a jar of peach butter, jarred, waiting for the right settling to happen and the right food to accompany. Or maybe a batch of Italian spices; adding all the different flavors, getting the right mixture and then being bottled and then the wait. Mostly I feel like I am waiting, resting or trying to rest, and thinking. I am trying not to "fight" my  season, but rather enjoy it, revel in it, get the most out of it. I'm trying to embrace the place God has me in, He knows better than me what I need right now. Good thing to remind myself, He knows me better than I know myself most of the time. 

On the  shelf is an interesting place. Sometimes it is dark and sometimes the sun shines so brightly I can barely hold it together. Maybe it is that combination of light and darkness that makes us who we are. If we didn't sit in the dark maybe we would never know what light is. Maybe just the right amount of darkness reminds me how good it is to be in the light, how intense the light can be. I don't know for sure but these are some thoughts for me and maybe you to consider. If you have any thoughts let me know.

Anyhow, prairies, shelves, peach butter, darkness, resting, waiting; they all add up to my season right now. Funny combinations, random pieces to a puzzle I can't quite see yet, but I know is out there.

Puzzles and leaves seem to occupy my mind lately. The leaves are starting to change colors and they are beautiful. The variety of colors are amazing; red, yellow, orange, green, and every shade thereof. Makes me think of God and His different shades of grace and mercy. It seems that in every season of my life there is a different shade of God. Sometimes I need barrels of patience to endure the day. Other times I need wagons full of understanding to get the point. Right now it seems that I am receiving a small stream of creativity with just enough confidence or stupidity to try something new. Shades  of color evoke so many different feeling, thoughts, and emotions. I see the color purple and my world is fine even if it is actually turning upside down. Yes folks, purple in all shades is my favorite. I often wonder why I am drawn to purple, but I have never come up with a reason, just one of those things I guess. 

Back to the leaves. Leaves in all shades remind me that God exists in all shades. Good reminders when the day gets long and the road dry. I see a leaf and know that God cares for me, not just about me, but for me. What I like and don't like, what will make me smile and laugh. Good reminders that I will be fed and clothed and that I will have a place to lay my head.

Leaves remind me that my family will be cared for and that the kids will have what they need, maybe not always what they want or what I want, but what we need. I learned a long time ago that there is a definite difference between a need and a want. Even in this difference though, we still tend to get at times what we want too. 

Leaves also inspire me to dream, to think about my life and what I want to be when I grow up. This seems to be the point for me right now, what do I want to be when I grow up? So many good things to do and be, but what am I made for? That is the question dear Watson, what am I made for? At least in the midst of this question I have a lot of leaves to look at and ponder and feel somewhat at peace about the question. So for today,, go find some leaves, imagine what shade of God is in that pile, and throw a few in the air for me.