A free woman

I wrote this about a week ago and couldn't decide if I wanted to post it, but I have decided to go ahead and post. Here is an unedited version of some of my thoughts. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

A free woman or a woman who is free, that is the question. A friend emailed me a while ago, stating that there was a difference between a free woman  and a woman who is free. This friend said I was the former, which means I am a free woman. I have been trying to figure out all of what that means. I get the point, but I can't quite track with it either. Maybe if i ramble a bit i can get it.

A free woman means i can express my thoughts, fears, dreams, desires, hopes, wants, emotions. Free before the word woman implies that it is used as an adjective, describing a woman. The word free after the "who is" implies that it is something that she is and therefore can choose not to do. Ugh, choose not  to be free. Who would chose that? Well I guess we all do all the time unless we are really diligent about it. I choose it when I speak tersely, rudely. When I am selfish and uncaring; when i am impatient and want my own way.  Free after the "who is" implies it is an action, something to be done. Well what if today I can't make that choice or I just can't do it? Does that mean I am no longer free? Is that what God meant? That I have to make that choice and do something? I don't really think so. If  I had to make myself free I probable would not get very far. Let's see, to make myself free I have entered bad,  unhealthy relationships and I still pay the price for them, evern decades later. Doestn' sound very free to me.  To make my self free i do all sorts of things for people which in and of themselves is not bad, but do I subconciously do them to be loved and accepted? What does it mean to be free anyway? To some people to make their own decisions would be freedom, to buy whatever you wanted whenever you wanted would be freedom. Oh so many thoughts and not many of them going anywhere.

Love from far away.........

Love to all my peeps,

far and near, ever close and dear.

Although not breaking bread together face to face,

know there is always space.

Raise a glass, voice a toast for the ones I love the most.

Run, jump, give a shout, the ones I love are not without.

Turn the corners of your mouth up, part your lips for a cheer,

for you are my peeps far and near.

Prairies, peach butter....

Seasons...it's a good time of year to ponder this topic. September seems to be a funny time

of year to start a new season. In the world around me, leaves are turning colors, the harvest is almost over, and hopefully the weather will start to cool off. Doesn't really seem like the time to start something new, but none the less that is what we have done. Start something new. Peter is in school, three of the kids are in a Christian school, and Isaiah and I are on our own. Really different life for us compared to the last few years. Quite quiet actually.

This time in my life leaves me with lots of time to think, ponder, and reflect. I have tried to figure out the best way to describe the season that I personally am in. Sometimes I feel like what pioneers a long time ago must have felt when they saw the open prairies. Huge open land, nothing for miles except the opportunity to make something new. Whatever they could envision and then build was possible. That sort of explains some of how I feel. I look out and sense opportunities, I don't really "see" them, but I can faintly hear, smell, and touch them. Overwhelming and exhilarating all at the same time. What I can imagine is possible, what I can create with God is endless.... The pioneers had to have a plan, a building strategy, a way to make it happen. I guess sometimes that is also where I am at. I'm in the planning stages of something, what that something is I am not entirely sure of yet, but it will be something. Do you ever get the feeling that you are made for something, you just have to figure out what that something is? I do all the time right now. Huge open land, lots of potential, and probably a lot of hard work.

While sometimes I feel like a pioneer, there are lots of times right now when I also feel like a bottle of corked wine, aging to perfection, sitting on a back shelf waiting for the right time. I feel like a jar of peach butter, jarred, waiting for the right settling to happen and the right food to accompany. Or maybe a batch of Italian spices; adding all the different flavors, getting the right mixture and then being bottled and then the wait. Mostly I feel like I am waiting, resting or trying to rest, and thinking. I am trying not to "fight" my  season, but rather enjoy it, revel in it, get the most out of it. I'm trying to embrace the place God has me in, He knows better than me what I need right now. Good thing to remind myself, He knows me better than I know myself most of the time. 

On the  shelf is an interesting place. Sometimes it is dark and sometimes the sun shines so brightly I can barely hold it together. Maybe it is that combination of light and darkness that makes us who we are. If we didn't sit in the dark maybe we would never know what light is. Maybe just the right amount of darkness reminds me how good it is to be in the light, how intense the light can be. I don't know for sure but these are some thoughts for me and maybe you to consider. If you have any thoughts let me know.

Anyhow, prairies, shelves, peach butter, darkness, resting, waiting; they all add up to my season right now. Funny combinations, random pieces to a puzzle I can't quite see yet, but I know is out there.