Life

We have now been in Nova Scotia for 4 months, sometimes it feels like longer, sometimes it feels like we arrived yesterday. We still have boxes to unpack, things that need to be organized and things to be discarded. I have done this moving thing several times already so I know the drill, one box at a time and eventually they will be emptied or perhaps not. I am tired of the boxes but not soo tired that I attack them with some sort of gusto. Oh well, they will be taken care of with time. 

For those that know me really well, you know that I have been trying to figure out more of who I am and what I am made for. Some would say that I should know this already, that is what your 20's are made for, but for a multitude of reasons, some I know and some I don't, these questions never presented themselves in this particular way. I am finally ok with the questions and now I am on to the answers. The next will probably be cliche but I will travel this path anyway. As I am on my 39th year of life soon to cross to another decade I want to make sure that I am being and doing all that I was created for. Throughout my life I have had my ups and downs, life and death, and I just want to know that I am "living with gusto". 

Often times I think living abundantly, with gusto, means that everything is all good and cherries, but I am beginning to rethink. I know that living in relationship with God is better than not but it doesn't mean I am immune from crisis, despair, fear, or financial strain. My wonderfully creative friend Aaron offered some great words to me last night. We were wondering why God seems to answer the finance questions last, at least in our estimations. Aaron says probably because if He answered them quickly then we would go on our merry little ways, forgetting to stop and have God deal with us and our heart stuff. It's really about our hearts that He is after. Good reminder to me. Made some sense to my situation.

I often say God is my father but then live contrary  to this truth. I don't have an earthly father anymore so when I need a father the one I have to look to is really God. I have started reminding God of this lately, like God I need you to be my Dad today. Talking to Him just like I would my earthly Dad if he was here and you know what? I can sense a difference in myself. There is starting to be a settling of my heart, a cease to a wrestling that I didn't even know was there until it was gone. So in the midst of all my life, the ups and the downs, I am trying to live like a daughter who has a Dad that take care of it all.

God show us the way....

As I sit here watching the news of our new president my heart wells with tears. I am not entirely sure why there are tears. I think I am profoundly touched by the enormous process we go through to pick a president, the freedom we actually have to exercise. Both of the candidates had things I agreed with and disagreed with, how to pick a candidate when they aren't perfect. Who is perfect anyway except One? So many topics to cover and so many issues to deal with. Where do we go from here? 

Now is the time to embrace the moment at hand. Celebrate the historical moment, really take it in. It is also the time for the Church, the body of Christ to stand up. Put your energy, your strength, your money, your life where your mouth is. If you want to save babies from abortion then get out there and find that pregnant woman/girl and offer some help and hope. Don't just sit there and worry about the laws, make a difference in that one woman who needs your help. If everyone found one woman who was struggling with her decision and loved her to the core we might actually see a difference made.  Don't get me wrong laws are needed, but no can take away our ability to love and to show hope except ourselves.  There is One who can make changes to our country if we the people will step in and say "show me the Way". 

There is no time like the present  for the bride of Christ to make a difference in the world. People are hurting, hungry, scared, worried, losing hope. Stand up, reach out, give the Hope and the Love that Jesus has given you. Jesus  is not bound by politics, not ever. He is still on the throne, still loves his children, still calls to all who will listen. Body exercise your limbs, open your eyes, let your heart be moved to .........

Deeper shades of grace, that is what I seem to be seeing and feeling. We have been pretty busy at our new home, trying to unpack, put things away, adjust to a new country and some new ways of doing things. If that weren't enough to do, we have also added two kids to our family temporarily.  We are taking care of some dear friends 2 children while they are adopting another little girl, so 6 kids running around. Some would call us nuts, in fact a friend recently did, in jest of course or maybe not. Through all the craziness I think I have been seeing deeper shades of grace and mercy. 

I often wonder at all the different species of animals and plants. Why did God do it that way? Wasn't one type of monkey enough or how many types of flowers could there possibly be? And, what about all the colors, have you ever opened a crayola box and thought how did there get to be soo many colors. I wonder if that was/is one way God used/uses to show us Himself. He is so vast that He has to use many animals, plants, colors etc to reveal Himself, one just won't do. 

It is rather comforting to know that He is so big, that He can cover everything. That there isn't one thing, situation, issue, crisis that can escape His grace and mercy. As time passes, you would think I would understand more, I do, but then I also realize how much I don't know. God keeps me guessing, hungry to know more of Him. I can feel it in my bones, in my being if I haven't seen Him in a while. I know when we haven't spent enough time together.  Good friends remind you that you are missed, He reminds me too. Good thing there are deeper shades of grace to see and feel.

Chaos and Celebration!!!

So little time, so much to do. Isn't this every one's dilemma? I feel that way right now, so much to do, I don't even know where to start. Lots of boxes and tubs to unpack, dishes to do, laundry to find a place for, people to see, places to be. Oh well start somewhere, at least it is a beginning.

Actually, all the chaos is from a choice made to follow a plan laid out by another( and I don't mean Peter)! We are living in some very exciting times! We are amazed on a daily basis of God's goodness to us and His unbelievable trust of us. It is one thing to trust Him and quite another to realize that He actually trusts us. Hard to explain or imagine, but He does and I just hope we are able to live up to it. I guess that is where grace enters. 

We are also celebrating amidst all the other chaos. Peter has become an American, for more details on this, just ask. We knew that this was part of the plan. We have moved and boy do we have a few stories to tell. We have a new niece  and let's just say she sure is adorable. We get the ultimate privilege  of watching two of our dear friends children while they go adopt their awaited daughter. We are in harvest season, apples that is but hopefully it translates to a harvest of people walking deeper with God.  Our life is full and I wouldn't want it any other way. We are living abundantly and I don't mean financially either but wholly. We are trying every day to grab onto what is before us and do with it what we can. Makes me take really deep breathes every now and then. We also get to have two Thanksgivings this year- might have to muse about this next time. 

However the chaos enters, just embrace it, just never know where it will take you.

External vs. Internal

I find myself wondering about the external and the internal life. I often wonder does my external life, everything everyone sees and hears from me, match my internal life. I have realized that my internal life is a very private thing at times, something I can share many times with my friends, but not so much with others.  Does my internal beliefs and values match my outside? I wish I could say a resounding yes to this question. The only way I know to answer this question is to really pull apart what I believe and value. Sounds like fun don't you think? Could be if it wasn't such a scary, vulnerable thing to do. Really examine what I believe, sincerely and honestly look and think about what I value and then evaluate  do these things determine my outward activities.  Do my outward activities, what I do and don't do resemble my inside? This is the question that just keeps running around inside. 

 I have been reading many different books, articles, and magazines lately. Lots of things out there to determine my  life. Lots of issues, some political, some more spiritual than others , to look at. When you read these things, like modern day slavery and child trafficking, illegal immigrants, poverty, what do you do with these things? How do I read this stuff? 

These are the thoughts I have for now, my family is calling, but I want to continue on this train, even if I don't know where I will end up.

Glimpses of Glory

Well, that title has many different ideas behind it. It is actually a phrase I use in our family.

I use this phrase when i get a glimpse of someone or something doing or being who or what they were made for. It is usually when i see one of my kids being who they are made to be, I get a glimpse of who they might be when they grow up, or maybe when i grow up. I was sitting in a very cold arena watching Noah skate with all of his might, slide on his knees, receive the puck and score.  His comments after that score was " hey Dad I scored and I wasn't even standing up". So great, scoring, even better when we aren't standing up at full strength. That day I got a glimpse of glory, not  really because he scored but because he put his all in to it. He made his very best effort and the icing on the cake was that he scored. I love to watch my two hockey players skate and play for all that they are worth. The best efforts don't always end with wins but that doesn't really matter. In that moment they are doing what they are made to do in that moment. 

I have seen another glimpse lately in the face of my sweet girl. She has been taking ballet classes and they have had two shows so far with one more to go. She has practiced her steps and is doing her absolute best. You know what the glimpse is? It is the fact that she really doesn't know anyone in her classes or the rest of the studio but she has waited backstage with about 100 people and not flinched. She seems slightly timid when I leave her to go watch the show but she gets this look of determination that says it all. She is probably more stable about me going to watch than I am. I go check on her a few times, but every time she is fine and having fun. Oh did I mention how beautiful she looks and how grown up, with her hair in a bun and makeup on her face. A glimpse of our future, beautiful girl, determined to try. 

I had another glimpse of glory about a month ago. We were having a family meeting, called by our son Noah who decided it was a good time to have one since we were all sitting down together.  He called the meeting in only the way Noah in his mature voice can and started the discussion with " where are going to live next". This led to many opinions and thoughts and a few tears. We didn't and still don't have an answer to this question , but the glimpse came. Noah grown up, asking the questions we all want the answers for but are afraid to ask. And the glimpse came in the tears too. Our little lady opened up about how she feels different from other people. There are lots of factors that go into this situation for her, but the glimpse was that she felt different and we wanted her to know that was ok, not just ok but actually quite great. Different always gets the bum rap, not the glory. I have started to realize that different is much more interesting, fun, and full of adventure than normal. I think I'd rather take different.

Glimpses of glory lead me to God. A realization that this thing, life is bigger than I understand. Glimpses remind me that God has made me and everyone with love and a purposes. Glimpses shake off the dust and mire. I come face to face with the One who made it all. In the midst of the cold and crowded I feel Him smiling, almost laughing  and always cheering. Inside I feel alive, knowing that the day will go on...

Lest I forget our littlest one. There are always glimpses with him. He is so full of laughter and silliness. He asks to be tickled. He will start laughing before you even reach him. Really good laughter that makes even the grumpiest mom smile. And he has decided that we need two babies, Jack and Sissy. He looks at clothes for them and will pick out toys for them. I told him we better start asking Jesus for them, to find them. A glimpse of glory for sure. Making space for two that we have no idea about. We will pray and look and wait. Many times our kids know something we don't and we are ok with that. 

The last glimpse I want to share is the more traditional one. It is Christmas time and glory gets sung about a lot. I was at the kids school watching them practice their Christmas program. They ran through the whole program even the songs that the audience was going to sing along with. They sang " O come all ye faithful" and I lost it. I couldn't even sing the words. My eyes welled up and it took everything within me not to bust out in a wale. "Yeah Lord we greet You" was caught in my throat and eyes.  What a marvelous thought- Lord we greet You. Glimpses help me to say "Lord we greet You."  I hope some of my thoughts bring glimpses. Merry Christmas and my the greeting continue.

A free woman

I wrote this about a week ago and couldn't decide if I wanted to post it, but I have decided to go ahead and post. Here is an unedited version of some of my thoughts. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

A free woman or a woman who is free, that is the question. A friend emailed me a while ago, stating that there was a difference between a free woman  and a woman who is free. This friend said I was the former, which means I am a free woman. I have been trying to figure out all of what that means. I get the point, but I can't quite track with it either. Maybe if i ramble a bit i can get it.

A free woman means i can express my thoughts, fears, dreams, desires, hopes, wants, emotions. Free before the word woman implies that it is used as an adjective, describing a woman. The word free after the "who is" implies that it is something that she is and therefore can choose not to do. Ugh, choose not  to be free. Who would chose that? Well I guess we all do all the time unless we are really diligent about it. I choose it when I speak tersely, rudely. When I am selfish and uncaring; when i am impatient and want my own way.  Free after the "who is" implies it is an action, something to be done. Well what if today I can't make that choice or I just can't do it? Does that mean I am no longer free? Is that what God meant? That I have to make that choice and do something? I don't really think so. If  I had to make myself free I probable would not get very far. Let's see, to make myself free I have entered bad,  unhealthy relationships and I still pay the price for them, evern decades later. Doestn' sound very free to me.  To make my self free i do all sorts of things for people which in and of themselves is not bad, but do I subconciously do them to be loved and accepted? What does it mean to be free anyway? To some people to make their own decisions would be freedom, to buy whatever you wanted whenever you wanted would be freedom. Oh so many thoughts and not many of them going anywhere.